A rant

Whore

I joined some dating websites.

I really shouldn’t have.

I’ve met some wonderful men.

And I’ve fucked every one (of the wonderful men).  The one’s that weren’t wonderful I never touched.  Lucky them.

Why do I fuck them?

I do it because I starve for affection I never got.

I do it to degrade myself just a little bit more.

I do it to put more notches in the in the gun barrel labelled “Whore”.

I do it to make myself more of a whore.

Just give it up, as I’ve always done….a careless lifestyle symptom of a borderline.

Sure, I’ll just blame it on my mental disorder.

Then I’m free to be the whore I know I am.loxo1980

It’s like a dirty little secret I have…like the black widow.  I’m all charm and smiles and I catch you in my web and use you – not to destroy you but to destroy myself.

The one’s I fuck I don’t think will have a chance of being loved by me.  Because I do it to make myself less of a “good” woman because I hate myself.

So what have I done with these wonderful men?  What have I done to these wonderful men?  What am I doing to myself?

Maybe I’ve been hoping to meet the one person who wouldn’t want to go there with me; who would want to wait until we knew each other well; who would make that choice for me.

The choice to not do it.

Because that choice is always left up to me – as it should be.

But I always make the wrong choice.

regret

How I wish I didn’t have the libido of an 18-year-old boy.

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