A reflection

A New Start and A Clean Slate….

…at least as far as I’m concerned.

I have, all my life I think, exasperated, exhausted and worn out everyone who has ever come in contact with me.

Try to get to know me and you’ll see.

I will wear you out and you’ll probably be sorry you met me.

I know a number of people who can attest to this fact.

There are some people gone from my life now.  I was hoping that issues could be resolved, but it’s far too complicated I guess. I doubt I’m really worth the trouble to them, anyway.  And, I’m okay with that, I guess.

I guess I’ve maligned someone on my other blog and made her look bad.  It really wasn’t my intention.  She was a key in issues I had with the church I used to attend so she came up in my rants. In my defense, she did say some things that were cruel and not just as a matter of my mis-perception of what she said, as is often the case with someone with my disorder.  She did say some cruel things.  Now they weren’t so terribly cruel that most people would have been tragically hurt by having it said to them, but I’m not most people.  The effect of what she said coupled with something else said to me later in the day by someone else, drove me down to the depths to where I nearly killed myself.  I mentioned her silence in a few of my blog posts on my other blog.  Silence told me she didn’t care if I had swallowed those pills or not.  I asked her for some magic words.  Words that I figured would make it all better.  I guess that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, but I couldn’t do anything more than that.  I was trying to get resolution started and I had nothing else to offer.  She’s chosen to say nothing.  I guess I can’t blame her.  Maybe she needed to hear that I was sorry for how I hurt her.  I don’t think I said anything cruel, but maybe I did.  Part of the problem with going into crisis with a mental disorder is that it can mess up your head.  For me, it’s really affected my memory.  A ton of things just fell out of my head back in December when my crisis began and I’m not very good at retaining anything these days.

Maybe I hurt her by just being me and wanting her to still love me in spite of that.

The primary reason I think suicidal sometimes is because I know what a burden I am.  I’m so very difficult to deal with.  Why wouldn’t people want to get away from me once they’ve had a taste?  I’ve been dealing with being dumped by friends most of my life.  It’s one of the things that feeds my disorder.  The heart of borderline personality disorder is abandonment issues.  But I will get into more detail about my disorder some other time.

I’m just clearing my slate here.

I want to apologize to anyone I’ve hurt.

I will assume I’ve been forgiven because most of those people are, I guess, better people than me.

I apologize for being me.  Because me isn’t a pretty sight.  I pity the ones that must live with me.

I am hereby clearing away the issues that I have with the church that I used to attend.  As far as I’m concerned there’s nothing required of anybody and nothing more to say except I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused that may have tarnished anyone’s reputation.  It really wasn’t my intention.  I lost control over myself and showed my true colors.  Shame on me.  It’s probably just as well that I won’t be back there, since I can’t seem to regain control right now, and it might be a while before I do.

So now it’s a new start for me.  I can’t go back to who I was before I went into crisis.  I can’t remember who I was.

I will just focus on the little that I can manage right now.  Learning to be a good housewife and stay at home mom.  Learning the stuff I still don’t understand from my group therapy sessions.  And learning more about leaning on God – the only one who has really had my back this whole time.

I will be okay.

I hope everyone else will be too.


One thought on “A New Start and A Clean Slate….

  1. -hugs- The past is just that, the past. It happened for a reason, but all you can do is learn from it and move on.
    I really enjoy seeing you guys in church, and while I may not know you too well, I have enjoyed the chats we’ve had 🙂 I love finding people who enjoy reading as much as me!
    Here’s to the future and all the things it holds!
    Loves 🙂


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