I appreciate everyone’s kind words of encouragement. And I really appreciate how my husband is starting to understand my disorder and how it works. I am not planning on giving up on treatment for myself, but I am not going to be able to go back to that group for 2 reasons – 1) Because of what that leader said, who as an “expert” in my disorder (or at least in the therapy for it) should have definitely known that that was not something you say to crying borderline 2) The stuff they’ve been teaching have not been applicable to my situation (for the most part).
As I have said, I am working on coming back from crisis mode. That means I am still overly sensitive and, for lack of a better word, fragile. That recent blog post I wrote wasn’t clearly written. I was already upset about the therapist when I was given a reminder of how difficult I am to other people and how I hurt them. That was where that blog post was coming from the most. I hate how much I hurt people and how hard it is for me to keep it together right now.
The group therapy I’ve been in seems geared toward changing unhealthy behavior more than unhealthy thinking. I have managed to restrain myself from doing any of the things I have wanted to do to myself – like drinking, or cutting myself, or other self-harm; and even the things I do do, like not eating, don’t last long enough to harm me. Therefore, I’m not too certain that this type of therapy is what I need. I need to change my thinking. Perhaps that means that I need individual therapy. I don’t really know. I just know that I can’t go back to that group with that leader. If she apologized and explained that she meant to say something else or something, that is probably the only way I could go back.
I’m sure this doesn’t make sense or even seems silly to anyone who doesn’t have any kind of familiarity with mental disorders. But as I’ve written in my blog, this is not a matter of just “getting over it”. Getting better is actually a matter of physical changes to my brain. To quote myself, ” I remember learning about the neuro pathways of the brain when I took psychology in college. You could scan someone’s brain and map their pathways. Then start them on violin lessons. In a year those pathways would be different because of having taken those lessons. You can change the pathways in your brain, but it’s not simple. ” This is what I said in my blog post titled An Attempt to explain….sort of. The psychiatrist in my therapy group confirmed I was right. It is changing pathways in my brain. There’s nothing simple about that.
One of you said “You just go back.” No, it doesn’t work that way. With my disorder, the second the therapist said those words “Sharon, you need to leave,” she put herself on my danger list. My danger list is the same type of list that you would have “touching live wires” or “standing in a rattlesnake pit” on. If I was doing better, maybe it wouldn’t be that serious, but I’m not. The medications I’m on now are what are making me able to function in my regular life. But I still can only handle small things routinely done. I get upset and confused quite easily and when something is requested of me that is out of my normal routine, I need advance notice because I must have time to process the request so that it makes sense and doesn’t scare me. And I’m talking about simple little things. And example would be this: I’m driving my mother to the labs for some blood work. This was scheduled and arranged. As I was driving us there, she asked me if I was busy the following morning and if I could help her with something. I immediately started to feel panicky and I blurted out “Can dad help you?” Now, what she asked of me was nothing difficult and nothing I hadn’t done before, but it was unexpected. If something is needed from me, like, if there’s some way my parents need my help, I need a little bit of notice (like a day or two’s worth) so that I can process it. I cannot, at this point in time, deal with things that I am not expecting. Even today, I was called by my daughter’s school to see if I could pick her up because she had hurt herself. I blanked out quite a bit. I couldn’t think of what I should do. Thankfully, and I do thank God for this, I really do keep more presence of mind when it comes to my kids and after texting my husband about it, he came up with a solution that worked out. (She wasn’t hurt too badly, just scraped up.)
So, maybe this explains things a bit, maybe it doesn’t. But understand that nothing about this is simple. I’ve had this disorder all of my adult life and then some. I think I can even pinpoint around when it started to manifest itself – and that’s when I was about 12. I’m turning 40 in a few months so we’re talking about distorted thinking that is etched into my brain in cement. I just have to find the way to dissolve that cement.
All I need from those who care about me is your support.
I’m not giving up. But I accept that for the time being my road is going to be more potholed than the streets of Edmonton. And that’s saying something. But God is my shock absorber.
I will be okay.