A rant / A rave / My life

Why be Suicidal?

No, I’m not suicidal right now.

But do you know why I feel suicidal or that I’d do everyone a favor by offing myself?

Because I cause others pain.

Someone said on Facebook today that I am ultimately responsible for how I respond to others.  She’s absolutely right.  I know that I am ultimately responsible for what I say or do to others – especially in regards to when I lash out, which is my worst behavioral problem.

I lost ability to control doing that.  I can’t, and I do mean can’t, control it.  I hung on to it fairly well for the most part for 20 years and then lost that ability starting last December.

And this is why I hide.  This is why I don’t attend my old church anymore.  This is why I wish God would just take me now.  I can’t control hurting people right now, and people aren’t willing to give me grace for it.  Why would they want to?  No one wants someone lashing out at them.  I don’t mean it when I lash out.  I really, really don’t.

Nothing hurts me more than causing pain to other people.

And that’s something I can’t control.  So I try not to talk to people.  I make a list of rules for my Facebook friends.  I’ve been doing what I can to keep myself calm – so as not to lash out – while I seek help.

Unfortunately, the help hasn’t been working out.  Today, the therapist said exactly the wrong thing.  The group goes from 9:00 to 10:30.  I was sitting there crying my eyes out at the end of it, so it was 10:30, and what does she say?  “Sharon, you need to leave.”  I’m sitting there crying and she tells me to leave.  I said to her, “Sure, get the fuck out Sharon.”  (I have troubles controlling my language when I get to a bad state.) She said, “That’s not what I’m saying,” but it’s too late.  I told her to go to hell as I ran out the door, though I don’t know if she heard that.

But she’s screwed it up for me.  I can’t trust her and I don’t believe, with every bit of my being, that she wants to help me.  So what am I supposed to do now?

I guess none of that has to do with the point of this.

The point is, it’s hard not to think I’d be doing everyone a favor if I just disappeared off the planet, when I can’t control hurting people.  Christians are supposed to do life together, make community with each other.  How can I do that when people don’t want to be around me?  No one’s brave enough to be in my life?  I mean why would they want to?  When I wanted to kill myself last June no one from my church said or did anything, which made me believe with everything in me that they really didn’t care.

And I can’t control that.  why won’t anyone give me a break.  do you think I like being like this.  do you think it’s fun to believe that i am worth absolutely nothing?  i learned at 12 years old that there is something fundamentally wrong with me being me.  Sharon being sharon is an undesirable thing.  how can i believe anything different when so many have reinforced that idea?  and now my group isn’t going to work and i don’t know what to do.  i thought it would help but she just showed me that i’m not worth helping.

can’t type anymore


One thought on “Why be Suicidal?

  1. Pingback: Subscribe to my new blog… | For What It's Worth (The Gozette)

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