No, I’m not suicidal right now.
But do you know why I feel suicidal or that I’d do everyone a favor by offing myself?
Because I cause others pain.
Someone said on Facebook today that I am ultimately responsible for how I respond to others. She’s absolutely right. I know that I am ultimately responsible for what I say or do to others – especially in regards to when I lash out, which is my worst behavioral problem.
I lost ability to control doing that. I can’t, and I do mean can’t, control it. I hung on to it fairly well for the most part for 20 years and then lost that ability starting last December.
And this is why I hide. This is why I don’t attend my old church anymore. This is why I wish God would just take me now. I can’t control hurting people right now, and people aren’t willing to give me grace for it. Why would they want to? No one wants someone lashing out at them. I don’t mean it when I lash out. I really, really don’t.
Nothing hurts me more than causing pain to other people.
And that’s something I can’t control. So I try not to talk to people. I make a list of rules for my Facebook friends. I’ve been doing what I can to keep myself calm – so as not to lash out – while I seek help.
Unfortunately, the help hasn’t been working out. Today, the therapist said exactly the wrong thing. The group goes from 9:00 to 10:30. I was sitting there crying my eyes out at the end of it, so it was 10:30, and what does she say? “Sharon, you need to leave.” I’m sitting there crying and she tells me to leave. I said to her, “Sure, get the fuck out Sharon.” (I have troubles controlling my language when I get to a bad state.) She said, “That’s not what I’m saying,” but it’s too late. I told her to go to hell as I ran out the door, though I don’t know if she heard that.
But she’s screwed it up for me. I can’t trust her and I don’t believe, with every bit of my being, that she wants to help me. So what am I supposed to do now?
I guess none of that has to do with the point of this.
The point is, it’s hard not to think I’d be doing everyone a favor if I just disappeared off the planet, when I can’t control hurting people. Christians are supposed to do life together, make community with each other. How can I do that when people don’t want to be around me? No one’s brave enough to be in my life? I mean why would they want to? When I wanted to kill myself last June no one from my church said or did anything, which made me believe with everything in me that they really didn’t care.
And I can’t control that. why won’t anyone give me a break. do you think I like being like this. do you think it’s fun to believe that i am worth absolutely nothing? i learned at 12 years old that there is something fundamentally wrong with me being me. Sharon being sharon is an undesirable thing. how can i believe anything different when so many have reinforced that idea? and now my group isn’t going to work and i don’t know what to do. i thought it would help but she just showed me that i’m not worth helping.
can’t type anymore