A rant / A reflection

Exhausted

Haven’t written in a while with so much going on that I’ve been keeping myself planted on the couch, knitting and crocheting watching episode after episode of the TV shows we own on DVD.  I can’t deal with much more than that these days.  My stress level has been threatening to spike these days and I’ve been vegetating to keep it down.  We have to move in a month and I don’t know how much help I’m going to be with that.  Also, my boys have been giving me reason to freak over the last week as well.  The joys of parenting teens.  Anyone who says the toddler years are preparation for the teen years is a big fat liar.  I’ll take toddler issues over the issues you have to deal with with teens any day.

I’ve been very down the past week and I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it.

I think it’s because I’m just tired.Exhausted

I feel just like this picture looks.

The frustrations of this disorder gnaw at me.   I am a very self-aware person.  I see the illogicality (don’t know if that’s a word but it is now) of my reasoning.  I see how absurd it is.  But I can’t control it.

A pastor from my former church re-friended me on Facebook when I opened my new account.  Then, and I don’t know when it happened, he un-friended me.  Not only that, he un-followed me on Twitter too.  That hurt me.  I hadn’t expected that I would be dumped by him.  I follow his wife on Pinterest.  Every time I see her on it, I feel angry and hurt, because of what he did.  I want to un-follow her but she posts good crocheting things.  And I feel betrayed by her because she learned to crochet without having me teach her (which I’m trying to do as way to earn money).

How ridiculous is all of that?  Very.  But my feelings are very real, very raw and I can’t stop them.

You see my frustration?

I have told my parents, who I occasionally taxi around, that I can’t do it on the spur of the moment – especially if my mood is low.  I know my mother was upset with me that I couldn’t go shopping for her this afternoon.  And I was upset with myself.  But I just couldn’t do it.  As a result I couldn’t drag myself over to their place to spend New Year’s Eve with them.

Going to a store and picking up some fruit shouldn’t be a big deal, especially when I wasn’t doing anything to begin with.  But for me it is. 98% of the time I absolutely cannot do something that requires leaving my house on the spur of the moment.  I need at least a few hours to be able to process what I have to do.  I have to do that or I can’t do it.  I just can’t.  I can’t even explain why I can’t.

How ridiculous is all of that?  Very.  But the anxiety I feel when asked to do something with no notice is very real, very raw, and quite debilitating.  And if frustrates me more than anything else.  Never in my life have I ever been afraid to go outside my door.  Though, I can honestly say it’s not fear that I feel at the thought of it.  The closest word I can come up with is confusion.  And I don’t understand why.  But it’s like that brain dump I seemed to have a year ago – everything is gone.  All the confidence that I had in the things I did well is gone; ideas for what I was going to do with my life, gone; everything is gone.  I really think I know what it feels like to be a stroke victim or someone who wakes up after being in a coma for years; or maybe it’s more like being in the coma.

I don’t know.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what I should do.  I just want to lie down and let my husband do everything.  But that is not an option.

I’m just so tired.

Maybe when we finally move at the end of January and get settled in our new place, I’ll begin to feel human again.

But I’m not holding my breath.

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One thought on “Exhausted

  1. Pingback: New post | For What It's Worth (The Gozette)

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