Haven’t written in a while. Life has been sucking.
I called this post The Fix, because I gave in to a few of the “fixes” that plague my mind when I’m in a bad place.
Smoking, drinking, cutting, driving off the bridge.
Obviously, I didn’t try the last one.
I attempted the third. I have nothing sharp, but I scratched at myself with something till I got a red line that spotted some blood. The relief I expected never came. Now I have a scratch that hurts every time it brushes against something.
I think that’s why I tried the first thing.
I drove around and stopped at a 7-eleven and bought a pack of cigarettes. I haven’t done that in more than 10 years.
It didn’t taste as good as I remembered from when I used to smoke. And the relief I expected never came.
There was no relief.
I gave up and went home disappointed.
I wanted relief from my pain and nothing I’d tried helped.
Then I got some shock therapy.
My son, who turns 15 tomorrow, came to me in the kitchen and asked me if I was ok.
I hugged him and he hugged me back…first shock.
I told him I would be and that I was having a hard time right now.
I looked him in the face and asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me.
He said, “Sometimes I go to bed wondering if I’ll have a mom when I get up.”
Shock number 2.
I hugged him some more and told him how sorry I was that I was making him worry like that.
I told him how much I loved him.
He said “I love you too.”
But he made my year.