A rant / A rave / A reflection / My life

The Fix

Haven’t written in a while.  Life has been sucking.

I called this post The Fix, because I gave in to a few of the “fixes” that plague my mind when I’m in a bad place.

Smoking, drinking, cutting, driving off the bridge.

Obviously, I didn’t try the last one.

I attempted the third.  I have nothing sharp, but I scratched at myself with something till I got a red line that spotted some blood.  The relief I expected never came.  Now I have a scratch that hurts every time it brushes against something.

I think that’s why I tried the first thing.

I drove around and stopped at a 7-eleven and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I haven’t done that in more than 10 years.

It didn’t taste as good as I remembered from when I used to smoke.  And the relief I expected never came.

There was no relief.

I gave up and went home disappointed.

I wanted relief from my pain and nothing I’d tried helped.

Then I got some shock therapy.

My son, who turns 15 tomorrow, came to me in the kitchen and asked me if I was ok.

I hugged him and he hugged me back…first shock.

I told him I would be and that I was having a hard time right now.

I looked him in the face and asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me.

He said, “Sometimes I go to bed wondering if I’ll have a mom when I get up.”

Shock number 2.

I hugged him some more and told him how sorry I was that I was making him worry like that.

I told him how much I loved him.

He said “I love you too.”

Third shock.

But he made my year.



2 thoughts on “The Fix

  1. Pingback: The Fix | From Inside the Borderline | For What It's Worth (The Gozette)

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