The last 2 days have been back and forth for me.
I’ve been so hungry to be loved by man.
So hungry that I’ve been purposely ignoring what I know to be truth.
As it often happens, it takes seeing crises of others’ for me to see the truth for my own.
Someone in mental anguish gets the gospel of love preached from my mouth….a gospel I have not been listening to myself.
I tell them Jesus is the answer. And He is. I know He is. I know this because if He hadn’t been in my life I would be dead or in jail or strung out on the street somewhere right now.
Jesus did it…and that’s all there is to it.
But right now, and over the last couple of months, I’ve been so angry with God for not giving me what I thought I should have.
I thought that tangible love from a man was something I had to have. It’s something I’ve been searching for, giving my body for, longing for, bargaining for, despairing for for most of my adult life. Something that seems, sometimes, completely out of my reach.
And it’s made me so very angry at God. Why can’t I have that? I see it all around me. I’ve even had to “unfriend” people on Facebook because I couldn’t stand seeing their happy family with their perfect spouse and their perfect home and all that joy. I seethed with envy at some of that. And I just “unfriended” them so I didn’t have to look at it. I can’t even watch some of those good old sitcoms with the happy family because I feel so jealous and angry.
Why can’t that ever be mine?!
And out of anger at God, I’ve been purposely doing it on my own. Searching for love in ways that I already know don’t work.
And as usual, getting absolutely nowhere.
If the definition of insanity truly is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then put me in the loony bin, because I don’t get it.
I do the same thing, knowing full well what the results of my actions will be.
It’s a good thing God loves me and knows my heart of hearts….I long for Him. I wish I could be with Him now.
But the mistrust I have of this world around me causes me to hold onto myself so tightly I can’t let anyone in…not even Him.
I have to learn to let go and let Him take over.
I did live in that freedom once before….
I need find that freedom again.
But that’s a problem with gifts….it’s hard to trust in something that you don’t have to work for.