A rant

Accepting the facts

I need to accept the facts.  All of the facts.

I will never be good enough or worthy of love.

I could never please my parents.  My grades were never good enough no matter how hard I tried.  Those C’s should have been A’s.  Those B’s should have been A’s.  Those A’s should have been A+’s.  Yes, I was the only provider of grandchildren, as the perfect daughter couldn’t have children, but as far as I can tell, I don’t raise them right.  I only get criticized for how I raise them, never praised.  Even from my siblings – they only point out what I do wrong.  And it’s really hard to hear that especially since none of my siblings are parents.

So I will never be good enough as a daughter, sister, or mother.

I’m not worthy of love from a man.  The only thing I have going for me is my body.

I learned that a long time ago.  From the time I was 7 and had a cousin gape lustily at me when he barged into my room while I was undressing; from when I was 9 and 10 and had a boy constantly grope me and show me his penis while telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me; from the time I was 14 and had a classmate try to rape me in my own bedroom and grope me in the dark during an assembly in school.  I didn’t do or say anything about him to anybody.  By then I knew that that was what boys did to girls.

I’ve been married twice and both husbands said they loved me.  But the way they treated me told me otherwise.  One would get hugely verbally abusive when he’d been drinking (which was frequently) and the other stopped talking to me and touching me and having sex with me.  So what other conclusion could I come to but that they didn’t really love me?

So I will never be good enough as a wife.

I learned when I was 12 that me being me was a bad thing; myself as a person was unlikable.  I learned this from a classmate.  She wasn’t one of the kids who bullied me, but we weren’t friends either.  I passed her a note asking why everyone hated me.  It took a while for her to agree to tell me, but she told me that I looked down on everybody else and thought I was better than everybody else.  The only conclusion I could come to from what she told me was that my personality must be horrible.  I didn’t look down on anybody and I certainly didn’t think I was better than anyone (I usually envied everyone around me), so if it appeared that I did to others, there was something very wrong with me.

I spent the next couple of years trying to be somebody other than myself – I changed my look, my attitude, I even tried being a bully – and it only made things worse.

Now I’m 41 and I have no idea who I am, only that I’m still very unlikable and unworthy.

So here are the facts:

I’m noone – I don’t know who I am or even what I like or want anymore.

I have nothing in me worth loving – 2 failed marriages and numerous random encounters prove that.

My body is my only asset – I guess if I want to feel any affection ever, I should just keep on with random nights with random men.

Those are the facts and I accept them.

I just hope I’ve been at least a little successful with teaching my children that I will always love them no matter what they do or don’t do.



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