A reflection / My life

Two steps forward, one step back

I haven’t written a post when I wasn’t in a bad way in a very long time.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately.  I’ve read a few old romances that I liked, back when I read romances in the ’90’s, that I found for my Kindle for pretty cheap.  Also, a fantastic book called Maggie Come Lately by Michelle Buckman about sexual abuse.  It’s a book aimed for a teen audience, but it was a very engaging read.  I read it in one day.  I highly recommend it.

I’m also re-reading Stepping into Sunlight by Sharon Hinck.  It’s a book of fiction about a woman with PTSD from a traumatic event.

The first time I read it, it gave me a great deal of comfort.  I knew it was fiction but I also knew it was true, the way the disorder played out in the woman’s life.  I understood the panic attacks and being paralyzed by fear.  I felt them too.  Then she would come to a revelation, then have a  set back, then have two good days in a row, then have a set back.  It helped me to see that having a good day or two, or even some type of epiphany doesn’t necessarily mean you’re healed; but it doesn’t mean that you never will be healed either.

Reading it again, I’m seeing something else.

I’m seeing how far I’ve come.

When the book describes the woman in the throws of a panic attack, I see how I’m really not feeling those anymore and when I do have my little episodes, they’re not nearly as intense as they were.  I don’t feel them like the woman in the book does anymore and haven’t in a long time.

I’ve also come to realize that I don’t feel the shame and frustration that I used to from taking two steps forward to the inevitable one step back.  I used to loathe myself terribly whenever I stepped back.  But now, it’s more like I accept that it will happen and that it’s okay when it does.  I will admit that I still fear a great deal that I may hurt someone else in the process of a back step, as I often do.  It’s a risk.  But I’m starting to see that risk really is part of the game.  Life is about risk.  You take a risk just stepping out your door, or eating, or breathing.  There is an element of risk in everything.  And that’s the way it is and is supposed to be.  And I can honestly say I’m not nearly as frightened of those risks anymore.

I know I’m not done healing, and sometimes I’m not sure I ever will be.  But I can honestly say that in God’s strength, I finally feel like I’m getting there.

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