I didn’t try to kill myself the other day. I cut myself but I did it to stop myself from killing myself. That probably doesn’t make any sense but I don’t have the energy to explain right now.
I want someone to be there for me. But people don’t understand what I mean by that.
Posting words of encouragement on Facebook when I post words of despair is not being there for me because it’s usually the only time any words are directed at me.
For someone to be there for me, I need them to be in my life. A real friend. Someone who talks to me face to face at least once a week. Someone who texts me on a regular basis telling me what’s going on in their life and asking what’s going on in mine. These are the things I would do to be in someone’s life.
I can’t do them though. I’ve been accused of it many times “Well, you don’t do that Sharon”.
I don’t do them because I can’t. I am certain I’m not wanted. I can’t go where I’m not wanted.
I know that over time of someone being in my life, I would begin to actively be in theirs. But I couldn’t do it until I knew they wanted me there.
What caused the breakdown and subsequent visit to the hospital the other day was that I had someone being in my life who suddenly stopped. That’s the same as killing my dog or beating me up. It feels even more devastating than that. Just like not being wanted feels like I’m in quicksand and people aren’t even watching me struggle, they’re just turning and walking away.
There are no words to describe the pain from someone being in my life and then stopping or not wanting me in any way. Just imagine the worst pain you can feel and magnify it times 10. But remember, there’s no salve, no pills, no ice or heat that can ease that pain.
The only thing that eases that pain is love. Someone being in my life. Because they want to be there.
But when there’s no one who wants to, what am I supposed to do?