A reflection

What now?

I’ve been reading the Borderline Personality Survival Guide.  I’m at the part about therapy and meds.  It mentioned questions one would be asked in an assessment.  One of the questions is one that has been really bugging me.

“Are you unsure of who you are or what you really like?”Confu

Holy crap!  That is so the issue for me these days.  My doctor upped my meds about a month ago and as a result, I’ve felt more stable than I have in years.  Wish it would have happened a while ago.  But what do I do now is a whole other matter.

I’m 42 years old, for crying out loud!  Most people have a career by now.  I don’t even know what I like to do anymore.  I have no goals and virtually no dreams.  I say virtually no dreams because the few dreams I have seem so unrealistic.  I want to travel; I want someone to love me; I want to love someone who loves me and know I love them.

That’s another thing that drives me crazy.  I don’t know how I feel half the time; at least when it comes to positive emotions.  It makes no sense but when I feel happy – which does happen on occasion – I never understand why I feel happy.  Well….content is probably a better word than happy is for what I’m talking about. Quite honestly, I’m not sure what happy feels like.

I don’t understand anything that goes on in my head anymore. That’s why I don’t know what I want, what I like or who the hell I am anymore.

I think that’s why I’m still such a slut sometimes. I don’t really do it to punish myself anymore. I don’t feel guilt like I used to. Now it’s more like having sex is the only time I feel anything that is real and is something I can recognize. Plus, it relieves a lot of tension.

The Survival Guide keeps talking about how I can have a life worth living. The thing is, what the hell does that mean? What is a life worth living? I need a concrete definition, because I don’t get it. I want to know what constitutes a life worth living?

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