A rant / A reflection

Not so comfortably numb

I recently met a very nice man.  Very intelligent and easy to talk to.  Every time we’ve been together we’ve been able to talk a lot together.  Not something I’m used to…

He got me to talk about something I’d never been able to verbalize before.

Feelings.

Or, rather, my lack thereof.

Emotions I have.  Like most borderlines, I’m extremely emotional.  They come on fast and often overwhelm me.

But then there’s feeling.  On occasion I feel frustrated, but mostly bored.  Sometimes, I feel a flush of affection for my children and, more frequently, a flush of sheer terror at the thought of them being taken away from me.  But the majority of the time, I don’t feel anything.  That’s the thing that frightens me.

I think that’s the main reason I can’t keep a relationship.  I can spend time with a man and enjoy his company, but I feel nothing.  I can kiss him and maybe feel some stirring of sexual desire, but otherwise nothing.  There have been times that I felt a flush of affection for a man, but it always passed and I felt nothing again.   Because of that there have been a few times I thought I loved someone but, because most of the time I felt nothing, I had to conclude that I really didn’t love him and start to push him away.  I can only fake feeling something for a short while and then I withdraw.

So what does this mean?

Am I a robot?

Am I a sociopath?

Am I doomed to be alone forever because internally, I’m ice?

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Maybe this quote embodies what I’ve done.  I’ve spent so much of my life numbing myself to the pain I’ve always had, that I numbed everything else.

Maybe the other reason I go through men like I go through kleenex is because I want to meet a man who makes me feel something that isn’t fleeting.  Someone who can reactivate what I’ve spent a lifetime deactivating.

That seems pretty unfair of me.  That’s probably why I haven’t met him.  He doesn’t exist.

So maybe I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life because I have no idea how to feel.  I don’t know if it’s something that can be learned.

 

Guess I’m fucked.

 

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