I recently met a very nice man. Very intelligent and easy to talk to. Every time we’ve been together we’ve been able to talk a lot together. Not something I’m used to…
He got me to talk about something I’d never been able to verbalize before.
Or, rather, my lack thereof.
Emotions I have. Like most borderlines, I’m extremely emotional. They come on fast and often overwhelm me.
But then there’s feeling. On occasion I feel frustrated, but mostly bored. Sometimes, I feel a flush of affection for my children and, more frequently, a flush of sheer terror at the thought of them being taken away from me. But the majority of the time, I don’t feel anything. That’s the thing that frightens me.
I think that’s the main reason I can’t keep a relationship. I can spend time with a man and enjoy his company, but I feel nothing. I can kiss him and maybe feel some stirring of sexual desire, but otherwise nothing. There have been times that I felt a flush of affection for a man, but it always passed and I felt nothing again. Because of that there have been a few times I thought I loved someone but, because most of the time I felt nothing, I had to conclude that I really didn’t love him and start to push him away. I can only fake feeling something for a short while and then I withdraw.
So what does this mean?
Am I a robot?
Am I a sociopath?
Am I doomed to be alone forever because internally, I’m ice?
We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
― Brené Brown,
Maybe this quote embodies what I’ve done. I’ve spent so much of my life numbing myself to the pain I’ve always had, that I numbed everything else.
Maybe the other reason I go through men like I go through kleenex is because I want to meet a man who makes me feel something that isn’t fleeting. Someone who can reactivate what I’ve spent a lifetime deactivating.
That seems pretty unfair of me. That’s probably why I haven’t met him. He doesn’t exist.
So maybe I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life because I have no idea how to feel. I don’t know if it’s something that can be learned.
Guess I’m fucked.