Valentine’s Day. It usually depresses me because I’m usually alone. Interesting that it’s different this year, especially considering that I, just a few days ago, screwed up another friendship.
Maybe it’s because I’m finally getting it. I have to learn to be alone. I felt free after I got over the initial embarrassment of what happened with Ron. Free. It was as if I’d been trapped. Not trapped by Ron, he didn’t do anything wrong, but trapped – maybe by the idea of relationship. I’m not really sure.
I think I’m finally accepting the concept that in order to find myself I have to do it myself. I do need friends, a support system, but relationships only mess me up and I end up messing the guy up as well. I need to stay on my own. I won’t be able to rebuild myself if I don’t.
When in a relationship, I have ridiculous expectations. I tend to put a heavy demand on the guy to make me feel desperately wanted and loved. And that is completely unfair and unrealistic. I make the relationship all about me because of how lost and alone I tend to feel. I forget that the guy can feel that way too. I think I also expect them to take care of me, to my standards, so I don’t have to take care of myself. That’s a cop out, which is pathetic and selfish.
Ron had been nothing but sweet and kind to me. He’s very smart and easy to talk to and definitely worth being friends with – if he’ll still have me.
I need to figure out who I am and what I want. I need to rebuild Sharon as a woman, a mother, and a Christian.
Hopefully, the few friends I have will support and encourage me in this, because that’s what I need; encouragement that being me is okay and a good thing.
Now I just have to figure out who “me” is.