I haven’t written much lately because, mood-wise, I’ve been doing very well.  I’ve been happy (or whatever you call it) with virtually no bad spells. I’ve basically accepted my life as it is. 

I haven’t been going out or really doing anything though. I  wonder if there’s a connection.

Today though, I don’t even know how to say it.

I’m killing time at a mall waiting for it to be safe to go back in my house after a bedbug spray. Killing time, in a mall, by myself, playing solitaire with actual cards. Here by myself because I have nobody to hang out with. Nobody to visit. Nobody I’m comfortable calling and saying, “Can I hang out at your place for a few hours?” to.

I have nobody.  No friends, no lovers, no one.  I understand that I will never matter to anyone.  I’m really coming to accept that I have to go through this life alone. But today I’m having a hard time with it.

Now I already know that there are people going to be protesting that I’m wrong. My family will say “of course you matter” and Facebook friends will say “I’m your friend.”.

This is my definition of a friend: someone who contacts you on a regular basis, like talking on the phone or even texting. But regularly, as in every day. And they spend time with you. You hang out and do things together.

See, I have nobody like this I my life. No one who talks to me regularly or who seems to have any desire to spend any time with me.

Now people will say, “why don’t you call people up to do things?”. Well, I can’t. I’m borderline.  Unless someone gives me very clear and consistent indications that they want to hear from me, I can’t do it. If I do, I know what they’ll say.  They will say they’re too busy for me; they’ll say “don’t bother me”; they’ll say “leave me alone.” I’ll be rejected and, no matter how gently, that would kill me.

And it brings me to my mood today as I sit here in this mall by myself. 

I have no purpose and wish like hell that I could be dead instead.

No I’m not going to kill myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.



One thought on “Purpose

  1. “I have nobody. No friends, no lovers, no one. I understand that I will never matter to anyone. I’m really coming to accept that I have to go through this life alone. But today I’m having a hard time with it.”

    In AA people will nod at me and say, “It gets better.” In the most essential ways it does. The saving grace of AA is that a Higher Power isn’t a human being for me to wonder about. I’m released from the temptation to read minds and compare myself. It’s easy to accept that God’s mind isn’t to be read. I can relax and make my appeals to know God’s will for my life. As they say, “It’s a faith that works”, tailor-made for BPD.

    Your quote I put above:. I’m just like you. Got separated & divorced beginning 3-1/2 years ago from my one marriage and haven’t gone on a date yet. I never thought I’d be ready but am. Getting there means greeting women at sales counters and striking up conversations with women I’ve never seen and won’t see again most likely for no reason more promising than our sharing a sunny day. But I sat at the mall last Friday and ate Chinese by myself thinking precisely your thoughts in the quoted paragraph. Why is that? I’m finishing up my twenty-ninth year of my engineering career and go home to a house in the middle of thirty acres of woods; yet still convince myself at exactly the wrong moment that I have nothing to offer. You, one whom I would call regularly, seem to think the same. Life never gets quite real to me, knowing I can do a lifetime relationship if only the beginning were not insurmountable. The quick fix would be to drink five beers, go to a bar and pick up or get picked up; have sex and feel the inevitable solid bond which comes with the act. It’s how I started my college relationship and pretty close to how my relationship with my future wife began. But I dare not.

    I like you and understand where you are coming from.



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