A rant / A reflection

rethinking

I wrote a suicide note tonight.

There aren’t words that exist to tell my kids how much I love them and how sorry I am for killing myself….So I can’t do it.  I can’t kill myself.

Well, that’s partly the reason.

My son came home.  I was watching a movie where a man picked up a child and remembered what it felt like to have a child’s arms around your neck….These stop me too.

I don’t want to be in this world anymore.  But I can’t stand the idea of my children thinking I don’t love them, or what may happen to them if their mother takes her own life.

It’s such a rock and a hard place to be between….I hate living, but I can’t leave my kids.

My mood today probably isn’t helped by what I’ve been watching on Netflix.  I’ve been watching Shameless (the more recent one with William H. Macy).  And in this show, these people have people who love them, despite how completely fucked up they are.  It’s my lack of being loved by someone (who isn’t a blood relative) that makes me hurt the most.  No one sticks with me.  No friends or lovers.  If someone would just stick with me, maybe I wouldn’t feel despair all the time.

I’ve been trying to get back to God, but it’s hard to believe He could still love me, despite my tattoo.

I put it on the arm I tend to cut to remind me that God loves me even when it seems like no one else does.  But now, I just don’t know.

Advertisements

One thought on “rethinking

  1. Sharon,
    I have asked you to get help for this reason and for your son. You know the road you have travelled and the one he has struggled on up till now, what lays ahead of him if things don’t change is not something I want to see him go through and I know you don’t either. Please seek help for you and for him!!!

    You talk about the lack of people who love you that are not blood relatives – yes I am a blood relative but we love you and NO we do not have to. Many people that suffer from BPD push their family to the point of walking away from them. We, your family, have made a choice to love you anyway, regardless of how far and how often you push us. The things you have said about me (to your children especially) and the things you believe about me (even though they are not true), I am still here and I still love you. If we your family can make a choice to not give up on you, and we are human and screw up all the time then you can believe that God still and always will love you!!!!

    I know somewhere inside of you, you know that it is not true that even if someone outside of the family ‘stuck with you’ as you say, it would not change how you feel. It would change it temporarily but then you would question things and a very good possibility that you would sabotage the relationship because of your fear and paranoia. There is help and hope and love for you, but the way you are going about it is not the answer, and I know you know this.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s