A rant / A reflection

rethinking

I wrote a suicide note tonight. There aren’t words that exist to tell my kids how much I love them and how sorry I am for killing myself….So I can’t do it.  I can’t kill myself. Well, that’s partly the reason. My son came home.  I was watching a movie where a man picked up … Continue reading

A rant / A reflection / My life

43

I turned 43 three days ago.  I always post on my birthday.  So here goes…   Basically, same shit, different year. Feeling like I have no use in this world. Can’t find a man who doesn’t ignore text messages or phone calls, and if he’s busy he can’t be bothered to just tell me that. … Continue reading

Uncategorized

Being There

I didn’t try to kill myself the other day.  I cut myself but I did it to stop myself from killing myself.  That probably doesn’t make any sense but I don’t have the energy to explain right now. I want someone to be there for me.  But people don’t understand what I mean by that. … Continue reading

A rant

Accepting the facts

I need to accept the facts.  All of the facts. I will never be good enough or worthy of love. I could never please my parents.  My grades were never good enough no matter how hard I tried.  Those C’s should have been A’s.  Those B’s should have been A’s.  Those A’s should have been … Continue reading

A rant / A reflection

Starving

I think I know what the real deal is with a borderline….or at least I know what the deal is with this borderline… Love. We want to be loved.  And we don’t just want it.  We are starving for it; yearning for it; begging and pleading for it. We are starving for it in a … Continue reading

A reflection

Grace

The last 2 days have been back and forth for me. I’ve been so hungry to be loved by man. So hungry that I’ve been purposely ignoring what I know to be truth. As it often happens, it takes seeing crises of others’ for me to see the truth for my own. Someone in mental … Continue reading

A rant

Whore

I joined some dating websites. I really shouldn’t have. I’ve met some wonderful men. And I’ve fucked every one (of the wonderful men).  The one’s that weren’t wonderful I never touched.  Lucky them. Why do I fuck them? I do it because I starve for affection I never got. I do it to degrade myself … Continue reading