A rant / A reflection

rethinking

I wrote a suicide note tonight. There aren’t words that exist to tell my kids how much I love them and how sorry I am for killing myself….So I can’t do it.  I can’t kill myself. Well, that’s partly the reason. My son came home.  I was watching a movie where a man picked up … Continue reading

A rant / My life

Cycles

When I crash and burn I tend to follow it with stupid behavior. I cut myself,  lie in despair on the couch.  Go on dating sites to find random men to fuck so I can feel some affection and prove myself to be trash at the same time. What I really need I’m not going … Continue reading

A rant

Accepting the facts

I need to accept the facts.  All of the facts. I will never be good enough or worthy of love. I could never please my parents.  My grades were never good enough no matter how hard I tried.  Those C’s should have been A’s.  Those B’s should have been A’s.  Those A’s should have been … Continue reading

A rant

Cut

  I’ve resisted a long time. Just some scratching is all. I’ve drawn a little blood this time.  Just a little. It was disappointing. There was no pain while I was doing it. There was only stinging afterward. That sucks because I really wanted the pain. Why? I guess to punish myself for fucking up yet … Continue reading

A rant / My life

crashing

why can’t anyone understand i can’t believe your words i have to see actions if i push you away it’s because you hurt me but i need you to pursue me back to you and no i won’t make it easy if you don’t get started on it right away; waiting solidifies wet cement to … Continue reading

A rant

Unloved and loved

I feel so alone. There are many people who say they love or care about me. But I can’t feel it. I can’t believe it. It’s like I’m numb to love. And it’s torture. You know it’s out there but you will never know it. It’s like having something you desire very much, and you … Continue reading

A rant

no point

I realize today that I’m asking people to embark upon a battle they have no hope of winning. I don’t want people to care about me. Because I know how little I’m worth and don’t want them to waste their time. I’m not going to believe them anyway. So there’s really no point. Continue reading